Supporting a woman in your life who's been sexually assaulted

If you're reading this, it's likely that a woman you care about -- a partner, friend, relative or classmate -- has been sexually abused or assaulted. Her experience may have happened very recently, or she may have chosen to share this with you after a long time.

Either way, what matters is that this woman has turned to YOU for help. You need to respond carefully as she confides and struggles to cope with what has happened to her.

If her assault has taken place within the past 72 hours, it's important that she get a medical examination to identify and treat any injuries to her body.

Treatment may also include medications to help prevent some sexually transmitted infections and potential pregnancy. But she shouldn't be pressured by anyone to take this step; accessing medical care needs to be her choice.

As she makes decisions and choices for herself in the coming hours, days, weeks and beyond, your ongoing compassion and support will greatly contribute to her recovery. These suggested 'do's and don'ts' can help you support your loved one at this time and into the future.

Supporting someone who has been sexually assaulted

When a relative or friend discloses to you that she's been sexually assaulted, your reactions can become a very important part of her healing process. The following can be helpful to her:

Be calm.   Don't over-react. This may simply add to her stress level.

Believe her.   It's not your role to question whether a sexual assault has occurred. Don't minimize or dismiss what's happened, just validate her feelings. This is a life-changing experience regardless of how long ago it happened. She's choosing to tell you now because she's hoping for your belief and support.

Recognize her strength.   It took courage and trust for her to share her experience with you. Say so.

Reassure her.   Tell her that you believe in her ability to heal and recover from the experience. Express clearly that your feelings of love and friendship for her haven't changed.

Listen to her.   It's important to let her know she can talk to you whenever she's ready, but don't push her to do so. At some point during her recovery process, she may come to you for support. Whenever that happens, just listen. Don't interrupt or inject your own feelings. Your caring attention will be very valuable.

Ask before you touch.   Don't assume that physical contact, even in the form of a gentle touch or hug, will be comforting. Give her all the space she needs, and try your best not to take her reactions personally. You can quietly signal your openness to physical contact by sitting with an open posture, and it's OK to ask if she'd like a hug.

Talk to her without blame or judgment.   No one ever deserves to be sexually assaulted. It doesn't matter whether she was drunk or high, how she was behaving or even if she's involved in a relationship with the offender. Don't analyze her experience, and don't criticize her for choices she's made or for being unable to prevent the assault. Someone else made a conscious choice to victimize her, and that person is solely responsible. SEXUAL ASSAULT IS NEVER, EVER THE SURVIVOR'S FAULT.

Ignore the timeline.   If her experience isn't recent, don't ask why she didn't say anything about it sooner. Sexual abuse is very hard for children and adults to talk about, or she may have tried to tell someone earlier but not been believed. Regardless of her age at the time of the sexual assault or abuse, she coped with the experience the best way she could. There is no one "right" way for anyone to respond during or after being attacked.

Help her explore options.   Encourage her to make her own decisions about what happens now, and respect her choices. Supporters of survivors of sexual assault often want them to report to the police -- this is her choice. She needs to regain a feeling of control over her life, so don't take charge of the situation or pressure her to do what you think she should. She needs the freedom to choose a path to recovery that she's most comfortable with, even if you would do things differently.

Stay close.   If the assault is very recent, offer to accompany her wherever she needs to go (for medical attention, to report to police or campus security, etc.). Ensure her immediate safety.

Try to keep her focused on her own recovery.   She needs to be free of the responsibility for looking after other people.

Keep your word.   Don't promise anything you can't follow through on.

Be as patient as possible.   An immediate recovery isn't likely to happen, and there are often lasting effects from sexual assault. Your loved one will need your support in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Keep her trust.   Don't tell anyone else about the assault without asking her first. You've been trusted to hear about this extremely personal experience, and you must respect that trust.

Take care of yourself, too.   The impact of sexual assault extends far beyond the survivor. You'll likely have strong feelings about what's happened to your loved one, and it's important to deal with these. Suppressing your own emotions may only make you less capable of helping someone you care about.


If your loved one is struggling with the impact of the assault, she can obtain information, support and counselling from a sexual assault service to help her move forward in her healing process. Of course, this choice needs to be made freely by her, when she's ready.

As a supporter of a woman who has been sexually assaulted, you'll have your own difficult feelings and responses to deal with. Obtaining information, support or counselling may also be helpful to you as you sort through what has happened to your loved one.


AASAS member agencies are able to help anyone who suffers sexual abuse or sexual assault, or whose life is affected by a loved one's experience. If you're ready, you can click here to connect with resources in your community and begin your recovery process.

Impacts on female survivors

Any woman who has been sexually abused or assaulted suffers emotional pain and may experience lasting effects. Your loved one may experience some or many of the following impacts immediately or at points along her path to recovery:

• Pregnancy
• Feeling unclean or dirty
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Sadness and crying
• Confusion
• Headaches
• Fear (generalized or specific)
• Flashbacks
• Numbness
• Self-blame
• Guilt
• Helplessness
• Shock
• Sexually transmitted infection
• Depression
• Sleep pattern changes
• Mood swings
• Hopelessness
• Inability to concentrate
• Loss of appetite
• Substance abuse
• Suicidal feelings
• Shame
• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• Difficult sleeping/nightmares
• Sexual difficulties
• Negative self-image
• Lack of trust

Women who experience sexual assault may also be strongly affected by the reactions of others. In today's world of instantaneous social media, rumours and gossip can spread in a matter of seconds. Peers, especially those of young people, can be especially insensitive about a situation they have few facts about and don't understand.

All cultures minimize or deny sexual abuse and sexual assault. Its survivors are often accused of lying or told that the crime is in some way their own fault.

People will often fault a victim instead of a perpetrator. If they choose to report the crime and charges are laid, survivors may sometimes discover they lack support from family or friends for doing so.

Women from "marginalized" communities, including immigrant or refugee women, elderly women, Aboriginal women, women with disabilities, lesbians, homeless women, women in prison and women from low-income households can face additional obstacles when attempting to report or recover from sexual abuse or sexual assault.

Women who've been sexually assaulted or abused possess the resiliency and strength to heal

Although it's extremely important to recognize the hurt and pain of the sexual assault and its aftermath, it's equally important that your loved one hear you recognizing her strengths and her courage. Everyone who's been assaulted had their own unique blend of knowledge, talents, skills and aspects of character and virtue prior to the assault, and these are not diminished by their experience.

It's important to remember that, yes, this is a life-altering event, but it doesn't have to dominate your loved one's life. It certainly does not diminish who she is. As your loved one embarks on her process of healing, remind yourself that she has many qualities that will support her recovery. Tell her that you can see these qualities, and that you have faith in her ability to heal.