How can I change ME?

by Paul Richards

OK guys, here’s the drill:

1. Sexual abuse and sexual assault have always been regarded as “women’s issues” that should be left to women to deal with. Women have done – and continue to do – the heavy lifting: providing recovery services for survivors, lobbying for action and changing the national dialogue.
2. Every man has girls and women in his life he cares deeply about: daughters, sisters, mothers, wives, girlfriends, and friends. If men truly care about these women, then men should also care about the threat of sexual abuse and sexual assault that faces them every single day of their lives.
3. Statistics prove that while most men never commit sexual abuse, men are responsible for the vast majority of sexual abuse and sexual assault. Historically, men have been the problem, not the solution.
4. Despite the decades of work to end it, the level of sexual violence in our Canadian society has not been reduced. It’s time for men to join women as allies in creating safe, healthy relationships and working to end sexual assault.

YOU can make a promise to be the kind of man who respects women, values equality and displays true strength of character. Here’s how:


Have the courage to look inward.   Question your own attitudes and beliefs about women. Think about how your own attitudes, language and actions might, even unintentionally, help perpetuate sexism and violence. Think about what you saw growing up. How did your dad treat your mom? What did you learn about power in relationships: emotional, psychological, financial, or physical power and control? What kind of discussions did your dad or your buddies have with you about girls and women and sexuality?


Be aware of the power of words.   In our society, words are often used to put women down: calling a woman a “bitch,” “bag,” “ho” or “baby” is common. That kind of language tells both men and women that women are inferior. Eventually, it becomes easier for men to treat women with less respect, and to ignore their rights as human beings.

Don’t ever have sex with anyone against their will.   And only have sex with someone who is clearly able to consent and is clearly consenting, no matter what. Most men never commit sexual abuse or sexual assault, but the overwhelming majority of these crimes are perpetrated by men. Make a promise to yourself to be a man who defines his own masculinity as someone who respects women and values equality.

Communicate.   Poor communication can contribute to sexual violence. When you state your desires clearly, listen to your partner and ask whenever the situation is unclear, you’re making sex better and safer for yourself and for her. If your partner is drunk or high and can’t consent to having sex, back off and WAIT until you’re both ready to say ‘yes’ with enthusiasm.

Speak up!   You will probably never see a sexual assault in progress, but you will definitely see and hear men display attitudes and behaviors that are disrespectful to women and support the culture of sexual abuse. When your buddy, brother, classmate or teammate tells a joke that degrades, don’t be passive or remain silent. Say that you don’t find it funny. Or, when you’re out with your buddies at a club and the banter leads to which women are “easy” or “drunk enough” to take home, speak up and say that such talk reflects and supports disrespectful and predatory attitudes.

Don’t pay to support sexism.   Porn is by far the most influential form of sex “education” boys and young men ever receive. By default, the porn industry is serving as the vehicle for the sexual socialization of millions of males, who then carry those attitudes into adulthood. Portrayals of sex through porn do nothing to develop intimacy skills or contribute to healthy relationships. You can refuse to purchase any magazine, rent any video, subscribe to any website or buy any music that portrays girls or women in an objectifying or sexually degrading manner.

Talk with the women in your life.   With millions of girls and women suffering sexual abuse and sexual assault every year, your wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, aunt, and daughter have good reason to worry about being assaulted by the men around them. Every woman can tell you how that constant threat affects the way she goes about her daily life. She’ll also tell you about how she’d want to be supported if sexual assault ever happened to her. If you’re willing to listen, you can learn a lot.

Talk with the men in your life.   Ask your buddies, classmates or teammates about how it feels to be perceived by all women as a potential sexual abuser. Even better, ask them about whether they know someone who’s experienced sexual assault at some point in their life. The chances are high that they do.

Support survivors.   Sexual abuse and sexual assault won’t be taken seriously in our culture until everyone knows how common it is. In Canada, 50 to 60% of girls and women have these experiences. By learning how to support sexual abuse survivors in their own lives, men can help women to feel safer about speaking out and letting the world know how big the problem really is.

Contribute.   It’s easy to join or donate to an organization that’s working to prevent sexual abuse and sexual assault and provide recovery services to survivors. They all rely on donations for their survival, and volunteers help to raise badly needed funds and support their work in countless other ways.

Smarten up.   Educate yourself and others. Surf the Internet, attend programs, watch videos and read articles about the issues surrounding sexual abuse and sexual assault. Exploring this website is a great way to start, and there’s plenty of other learning material out there.

Organize.   Men’s anti-sexual assault groups are becoming more commonplace across the country, especially on university and college campuses. If you have the time, join one, start your own or partner with a sexual assault service to create one. It’s a great way to make a difference in your community.

Work against other oppressions.   Many forms of prejudice are feeding grounds for sexual abuse and sexual assault: racism, homophobia, ableism, religious and cultural discrimination or stereotyping. By speaking out against any belief or behaviour that promotes one group of people as superior to another, or denies someone their full measure of human rights, you lift everybody up and support their equality.

Talk the talk, then walk the walk.   You can mentor the boys and teens in your life about how to be men of strong morals and character in healthy, positive ways that don’t involve degrading or abusing girls and women. Lead by example!

Get help if you need it.   Look in the mirror and be honest about what you see. If you think you’re emotionally, psychologically, physically or sexually abusive to women, seek professional help now. You can click this link to connect with resources in your community.